Its the time of the year.

The time of year when i open the light purple journal that sits in the corner of my desk collecting dust all year round.

The time of year when i look back at the 10 resolutions i set for myself last december.

Going down the list slowly getting more and more upset because i didn’t reach my goals that i had pushed so hard for.

The same goals i was so proud of was now making me upset with myself.

I looked back at those goals the other day, instead of getting upset with myself again i realized that i didnt fail my goals. I set unrealistic expectations for myself.

I fell into the trap that almost everyone does when setting new years resolutions, the unrealistic, unachievable goals. I set 10 goals for myself that i couldn’t achieve even if i worked for them 24 hours a day for 365 days a year.

I wanted to save 10,000 dollars. I work a retail job where i make $10.25 an hour and i was out of work from march till July. I spent the last of my savings that i had built over the past few years on vet bills and gifts for everyone else. I have $200 in my savings account at the moment.

I wanted to focus on the important relationships in my life. I spent so much time focusing on everyone else that i forgot who i was. I was molding myself into who people wanted me to be I lost myself.

I wanted to make my life perfect. News flash! Life will never be perfect.

I would stress myself out so much it would reflect in my surroundings and in my writing. My room showed the chaos of my mental health, with piles of laundry that had built up over the weeks and snack wrappers covering my floor from the countless late night study sessions.

My writing focused on the negatives in my life instead of the positives. I wrote about being hidden behind my sister, the stress that comes work life balance, and my life at 16.

I didn’t realize that i was focusing on the negatives, until finals ended, until i could simply focus on the things that i loved. I had time to journal and to free write, I had time to try new hairstyles and play around with my nail designs, I had time to plan out my week, and color code my todo list.

This year my resolutions will be different.

I want to focus on myself. I want to journal and write out my emotions instead of bottling them up. I want to keep my surroundings clean and organized. I want to spend my mornings doing what i love.

I want to focus on making healthier choices. I want to prioritize my health. Not making myself miserable with every diet in the books, but choosing the healthier options of my favorite foods. Drinking more water. Making myself feel good with what i eat.

This year will be different.