As I scroll through my social media feeds, I find myself caught in the whirlwind of others’ opinions, worrying about how I’m perceived rather than trusting my instincts. 

I take photos to post but they end up in the bottomless trash can.

The pressure to gain approval and fit into the expectations of those around me, make me question my own choices. Did I do the right thing? Did I look pretty enough to post it? I’m gonna delete it. Should I post it? No I shouldn’t. I don’t look good enough. 

It’s a constant battle between wanting to be liked and staying true to myself, it’s like my own voice gets drowned out in the ocean of noise that is filled with comparison and judgment.

Whether the judgment is coming from the little voice in my head that is praying for my downfall or if it’s from other people. I don’t know. 

The other day I posted on my public snapchat story a picture of me and one of my childhood friends. We were both wearing the same dress just in different sizes. Some boy replied to my story and said that a “bigger” girl shouldn’t be allowed to wear a dress and that i “proved his opinion correct”. 

I took that picture down as soon as I read the message and that’s what got me thinking, why should I care about some little boy’s opinion? I had no reason to. I didn’t know him, he didn’t know me, nor was I posting it for anyone’s validation. So why did it bother me so much? 

I like to say that people’s words don’t affect me but then I find myself choosing a baggier shirt to hide my stomach or flower pants that hide my thighs. I find myself  putting on makeup everyday so that way no one will comment about how tired i look. 

Me and my mom went prom dress shopping last Sunday, all of the dresses were skin tight and showed everything. I found one that I fell in love with, it was a dark purple silk, floor length, corset dress, but I put it back because it was an open back and the slit in the leg would show my thigh. 

I loved the open back and the slit in the leg. I loved how the dress was tight but was still flowy. I loved the color. I loved the fact that it was everything I had wanted in a dress. 

I remember the comment that the random boy sent me. 

That’s what made me put the dress back. I cared so much about someone else’s opinion that I put back the dress I had fallen in love with and left the store. 

I was talking about it with my mom later that day and she looked at me and said “Why did you put the dress back, it was perfect?”I explained the situation to her and she told me that I shouldn’t care so much about what other people think of me, especially not some dumb boy. 

We ordered my dress later that night. Since then I have been making it a goal to do what I love no matter what other people think of me. 

I wear makeup because I want to, I wear crop tops that I never did before. Because why should I be modeled into a world where people are never satisfied with who you are? 

I live in a world where stereotypes are forcing people to change themselves. All for the trends to change in 2 weeks. 

I am who I am because of me. Not because of some boy whose goal was to hurt me.