I know all at once who I am.
Not only is that a great line from a Steely Dan song, but it’s also a reflection of where I am (at least trending) right now. It seems odd to think that only a month’s difference in time could bring such a change, but I’ve changed more in less time for sure.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, this is an addendum to my previous column on identity, so it’s worth giving you the full story on how I’ve gotten from point A to point B. The gist of things really began some time pre-spring break, God forbid I remember the date, but I do remember everything else.
It was late in the afternoon, probably on a Sunday, and I was the only one home at the time. I had decided against my better judgement to play a game with my friends that I have had a touch-and-go relationship with. Things were going smoothly really, with me kind of enjoying the proceedings, but once things got a little too competitive, we ended up right back where we started.
It’s (debatably) funny how this happened to the same person I almost lost my temper at the last time, but what’s not funny is what I just about said to them. They’ve got a very unfortunate history regarding self-harm problems, and if you have any idea where this is going,
I almost told them to cut themself. Over a meaningless, stupid little video game made to pass the time and have fun. I almost told them to cut themself.
If it wasn’t for the fact that I cut myself off halfway through that sentence, only God knows how terribly that would’ve gone, and while they eventually just sort-of laughed it off, I’ve never forgotten what I did.
The worst part is this was merely laying the foundation for future problems, ones that were very soon to come.
A short while after that, I was off playing some other game with many more people. It was a murder mystery game, where a detective must hunt down a murderer before everyone kicks the proverbial bucket.
Things were going swimmingly, and by that, I mean I was stood in the detective’s office, revolver clutched ever so tightly in my hands waiting for the moment the door bursts open and whatever knife wielding madman comes in to finish the job.
And it just so happens that this go around, that knife wielding madman was a close friend of mine. While they were a different friend from last time, they still held quite a bit of importance to me, which makes what happens next all the more terrible.
The door goes flying open, and in a split second both my friend and I locked gazes before taking action. They toss a knife at me, and I fire off a shot, which in the end leaves both of us dead, however, since they got to everyone else first, they were handed the victory.
Now to say I handled this poorly would be a contender for understatement of the century, as in that moment, I lost my mind.
I screamed multiple very profane words at them before slamming my laptop shut and throwing my headphones across the table. Gone were the days of (relatively) controlled anger. I had progressed to such a point that I was at the mercy of my own mind in those moments, and it was horrible.
To act like such a miserable brat over something that was never meant to be taken seriously in the first place, and to aim such aggression at people I hold close to me, was incredibly worrying to me, especially when it would happen a few more times.
I was spiraling quickly and out of control, and it all came to a head over spring break.
I was playing a cooperative game this time, albeit not with my friends, but with my family instead. Everything was going just great, business as usual, until eventually they threw us into the pit, and we had to fight to the death. It was a brutal fight, and as if history were set to repeat itself once more, I found myself within a hair razor of victory and yet I let it slip once again.
I had never felt such fury before, and I did with it that last thing I should’ve done. By the time the smoke cleared, stuff that was once on the table was scattered all over the floor, the soda I was drinking had spilled all over the place, and the chair I was sat in has pretty much across the room.
And I was sobbing.
This had finally pushed me beyond the limit, and it destroyed me. To do something like this to my friends was already terrible, but to do it to my family, that was unforgivable.
But in that moment, I found myself, I found the truth I had so desperately been searching for.
My problems lied not in a façade or any of that, but in frustrations, frustrations that I was simply not good enough. But instead of using those frustrations to practice and better myself, I blamed everyone else for my pitfalls and let them have it.
It was an awakening unlike any other, and it shook me. I have work to do, a problem to solve, and I’ll work until the day I die.
I know all at once who I am. I will not make the same mistake again.
