I am done

I’m done pretending that I’m OK. I’m done pretending that everything is hunky-dory. 

This March marks a year of overwhelming grief and depression. 

I was supposed to be going to my senior prom, be worried about what I would wear in my graduation pictures, and how my make-up was supposed to work. 

Now I am worried about killing my grandparents by getting them sick, I am not worried about a vaccine that I don’t even have yet, and I am worried about dying.

I shouldn’t cry myself to sleep in a nervous panic as I worry about what tomorrow’s chaos will cause but I do.

The pressure and anxiety that has carried itself on my shoulders have been far too overwhelming to express. Every morning I wake up with immense dread knowing that it’s not over yet. I still have to fight the endless fight and smile through the pain.

It feels as if I’m carrying 500 pounds of death and dread on my shoulders and I am expected to be fine with it. I am told that no one gets a break during this pandemic and so I shouldn’t expect to get any slack.

What am I supposed to do other than feel immensely overwhelmed just by the sheer number of deaths let alone the reality that I will have to be in this pandemic way longer than I ever expected to be? Will I have to have a mask in my glove box for the next lifetime? 

I am told I have to move forward. How can I learn how to move forward when I can barely breathe today?

How are you expected to live in a pandemic without any assistance, without any break, without any hesitation? 

I feel like I’ve lost so many days due to overwhelming depression and anxiety.

I don’t know how many days I can allow myself to forget. How many more things am I allowed to miss out on? How much more of this before I start allowing myself to feel something again. 

How far can this go before I just become a husk of what I once was? 

When’s the next time I’m genuinely going to smile I have no idea but I know it’s nowhere near today.

I want to feel passionate about life again. I want a feeling of anything. I want to stop asking myself when I am allowed to be done with it all. 

I am tired.