A Love(less) Holiday


Single Hot Guys for Reference (Except Landen) (W Rizz)

Authors’ note: 26% of people not in a relationship feel deep loneliness on Valentine’s day. It makes sense; nobody wants to feel lonely on a day about loving their significant other. But what’s infuriating is that 19% of people In Relationships and 6% that ARE MARRIED still feel lonely on Valentine’s day. This simply can’t be. No way. How are you still lonely? YOU’RE MARRIED! WHY ARE YOU STILL LONELY? AT THAT POINT JUST LEAVE THEM, COWARD! I REFUSE TO SIT BY IDLY WHILE YOU WHINE OVER A PROBLEM YOU HAVE ALREADY SOLVED WHILE MY BOYS ARE IN THE STREETS FIGHTING FOR A CHANCE AT THE GOOD LIFE!

…anyway…let’s get into the story.

Valentine’s Day was originally a Christian Feast day to celebrate one of the two Christian Martyrs named Saint Valentine. A Christian Martyr is someone who was killed for their testimony in Jesus or having faith in Jesus. A Christian Feast is not a big feast with food, but rather just another way of saying celebration for the Saint or event of that day. Valentine’s day is a holiday to honor St. Valentine for being a Christian Martyr and dying for his faith in Jesus. But as time passed and adapted to different cultures, Valentine’s day is now more of a holiday for Romance and love.

 Now hold on, how did a Christian holiday turn into a Romance holiday? Well, it all has to do with Valentine having “that dawg in him”. During the 1st to 4th century in the Roman empire, Roman emperors encouraged Roman Paganism and the Hellenistic religion. Due to this, Christians spreading the word of god and Jesus were persecuted and executed. Well, according to old Roman legends, Valentine wasn’t converting to the Romans’ religions to save his skin. In fact, your boy was actively still spreading the good word of Christianity. He also hosted weddings for couples who couldn’t marry due to the marriage ban set by the Roman Emperor because he believed “Married men don’t make good soldiers.”(Hoccleve)

This would later get him persecuted and interrogated by the Roman Emperor Claudius 2nd. Claudius admired his confidence and wanted to convert Valentine to Paganism due to his ability to get people into religion. Valentine refused, instead trying to turn Claudius to Christianity. And just before his execution date, Valentine performs a miracle on the blind daughter of the man who threw him in jail. The jailer’s daughter gains back her eyesight, a miracle for certain. It is also said that Valentine left her a note saying “From your Valentine,” which is the root of Valentine’s Day Cards (W Rizz).

Fast forward a millennium and around 7 centuries, Valentine’s day is now celebrated as a day for loving your significant other all day. Some great Valentine’s day gifts are chocolate, flowers, candy, cards, and good old-fashioned cash. Of course, nothing screams “I love you” more than spending time with your significant other all day, like at a nice restaurant, the park, or even a nice night at home. And even if you don’t have a significant other to celebrate valentines day with, that doesn’t mean you can’t spoil yourself with gifts and spend time with your friends and family. It’s perfectly fine to not have someone to spend time with on Valentine’s day with, after all, it’s only a day… right?

Well… apparently not. At least for Keagan Mould. From birth to the peak alpha stage he is in today, Keagan Mould has gotten NO ONE TO EVER DATE HIM WHATSOEVER. Keagan has gone unnoticed for too long. Here’s what he has to say:

“What the hell is this line of questioning? You should mention how awesome I am. Like actually how am I supposed to reply to that?”

*Ahem* He’s in Denial. Let’s hope he accepts the truth soon. Anyway, if you don’t have a valentine’s already, there’s no better time to ask than now! You miss 100 percent of shots you don’t take, so take your shot before it’s too late!



Hoccleve, Thomas. “Valentine’s Day.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine%27s_Day. Accessed 6 February 2023.

“Saint Valentine | Facts, Patron Saint Of, Feast Day, History, & Legends.” Encyclopedia Britannica, 5 January 2023, https://www.britannica.com/biography/Saint-Valentine. Accessed 7 February 2023.