You can’t have Thanksgiving without togetherness — but what if you wanted to? Well, look no further. In this article, you’ll be shown realistic ways to ruin Thanksgiving, without permanently ruining your future or doing anything unrealistic. From the start to the end, here is how to replace the thankfulness of the day with pure-occasionally-passive-aggression.
The Prologue:
Firstly, don’t bring any food, especially if you said that you would. Then show up dressed in your most extravagant outfit, but notably…off. For example, show up in a full tuxedo, but with a ski mask, fingerless gloves, and no shoes. Cosplay is also an insanely potent option, as long as you stay in character at all times. As you meet others, be obnoxious in your speech, mock them, butt in, and talk about yourself as much as possible. If they offer you a handshake go in for a hug and vice-versa. Alternatively, stand in a noticeable corner and stare at some individuals as intensely as possible. If they approach you, act panicked like you are trying to hide something, until they get within 10 feet and then escape at all costs.
If all of this fails, there is the nuclear option: Proposing. There is no easier way to take over an event than proposing, and if the person that you propose to isn’t ready, then all the better. This will inevitably become the event of the day and will define how everything after plays out with either a “yes” causing it to become a wedding-hype-up-party or a “no” turning it into an awkward afternoon.
How to ruin the meal:
As the food gets passed around, try being a real trailblazer and attempt to send dishes the other way. When acquiring food, neglect silverware entirely and never acknowledge it for the remainder of the evening. By the way, you are Gordon Ramsay; address the food accordingly. As you get the food, claim to be allergic to as many dishes as possible, but insist on staying there and refuse any help. The daring may also lick the food to test it before taking it.
Then, as the meal goes on, be sure to be on your phone watching Tik-Toks or Reels on full volume. Next, talk loudly over everyone (and your phone). Refer to everyone as ‘bud’ and be as condescending as possible. When others bring something up, always correct them and use made-up statistics to prove them wrong, especially when they are factually correct. Also, there’s always the obvious of bringing religion and politics up and forcing people to talk to you about it. To take it even further, bring conspiracy into this and disagree with all parties aggressively at all costs. Furthermore, bring family drama into the conversation. If there has been a divorce recently, talk about it thoroughly; if there has not been, bring it up even more, pretending as if it had happened.
The epilogue:
Your main target here is going to be sports in one form or another, specifically football. A Thanksgiving tradition as American as the holiday itself. Football is a joy both watched and played or at least it would be had you not been invited.
If your family is the football-playing type here’s what to do. Take it way too seriously: call penalties like holding, go all out, tackle with full force, and just do your best prime Ray Lewis impression all around. Also, if you lose, become enraged and make a big deal about how much of an injustice this is and/or how bad your teammates were. By all means, you are still playing by the rules of the epically brutal sport, but your unfortunate family was probably not expecting your level of competition in such a pointless display of strength.
If the group prefers to spectate, don’t worry. That can’t stop you. First, make sure that everyone knows that you just want both teams to have fun and that you think that soccer is the far superior sport. Feel free to also mention how sports gambling and showmanship are ruining the game. Cheer for the opposite team of whoever you are with aggressively and make it personal; if they don’t have a team, then cheer for the zebras. The final strategy is called the reverse red zone. Whenever something exciting is about to happen, change the channel. It’s as simple as that.
At the end of the day, stay until you are removed from the house, and don’t help with clean-up. And that’s it. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations, you are now a lone wolf. Have fun enjoying the fruits of your labor — and the money you just saved on Christmas presents.
Thank you to Paul Kenneth Chronister and Aidan Cole Sullivan for your inspiration and ideas.
